I'm posting this here, before i take this whole mess down - in the event that there are some things written elsewhere - i shouldn't care, but my reputation is important to me. And i refuse to wear a big ol' letter "A" across my chest.
I'll leave it up for a few days, then i plan to bow out of DA gracefully while i still can.

*~*~*
At some point, you just have to cut the thread of communication before things spin entirely out of control and into a loop of recrimination, blame and nonsense.

In a recent entry in my website journal (i've taken down the link and this person is no longer on my contacts list here, so if you don't know who it is, then you aren't going to find out), there is a comment by my ex. He read the entry and instead of using his considerable powers of deduction and reason, he decided my reference to a "crush" was a *new* one, not a reference back to the original unpursued one that lead to a very real breach of trust on his part.

Despite the fact that the reference came upon the heels of my friend Lola's advice and summation of the past 2 months of our ill fated relationship, which clearly includes that incident. But i've figured something out. He has to believe in his little fantasy that yes, i finally did cheat on him, i finally "found someone else". Even when the reference is glaringly obvious. But still i intend to go back and append the sentence with "two months ago, when he first suspected me of infidelity".

Because i'm sick of my words being taken out of context, and my love being shoved back into my face with the word "slut" emblazoned across it.

Now it's time to truly move on.

I am deleting any emails, i am not answering the phone if he calls. I'm done. I haven't gone, nor do intend to go, to his website, his DeviantART site (in fact i'm taking my site down - he needs someplace to feel he can have to himself, i'm not very active there, and i've got flickr; i can easily ignore him there).

I am going to follow some very good advice and take the Taoist tack here, people. I am going to subscribe to the philosophy of "do nothing".

I hope he will respect me enough (although clearly respect went out the window long ago, i was just too stupid, too in love to see it) to leave me be.

I had told myself that i wouldn't do this again. That two breakups was enough. This is number three. You know what they say..."fool me once"...Before, it was easier to open my heart to him again after what was done, because he seemed truly sorry. I was sorry. Now, its' been a constant stream of accusation, all coming down to my unfaithfulness. My imagined unfaithfulness. And i'm not sorry anymore. I'm done being sorry.

That comment on my blog really brings it home. What he's going through, what is going on in his head, i can't change. I will never be able to change it. I will leave that comment to remind me never to be so stupid again. I am done.

And i am feeling like shit, but oddly ok with that. I got what i deserved, for being that dumb girl who keeps going back to the same man it's already not worked out with. I am fucking exhausted, i am sore, i am...spent.

But life doesn't stop just because we are sad - and i have a lot of shit to take care of. It's looking like our building is headed towards the "unliveable" designation, and i am not sure it will even be around for another year. I need to make my plans to leave. Hell, i need to find a way to pay this month's rent. I have a lot to do.

But right now, i have a trip to Arizona to plan, to see my girlfriend Rummy.